~🌸~ Embracing Transformation~🌸~

2014-2016

Who am I? I’m a girl who feels lost, unsure of my path in life. I’ve struggled to define myself, longing to break free from my parents’ house. My desire to escape led me to dream of marrying my high school sweetheart, the only one who truly understood me. With him, I felt loved like never before. I aspired to be the dependable friend everyone could rely on. Yet, when asked about my goals, I had no answer. I merely existed, following what I thought life demanded. As time passed, my longing grew to become a mother, but still, I lacked direction, drifting along the current of life’s expectations. Then, we found out I was pregnant, and suddenly I was a wife and soon-to-be mother. Still adrift, still uncertain of myself.If you asked me about my aspirations, I’d draw a blank. I yearned for freedom from parental constraints, to explore the world without care, unaware of its harsh realities. I molded myself to fit others’ expectations, blindly embracing motherhood without a clear sense of purpose or direction. My body is changing, surrounded by drama at every turn. I’m consumed by anger, shattered by betrayal, and I’m struggling to cope.

2016-2017

Who am I? I am a girl transitioning into womanhood, struggling with a lack of morals and self-respect. I find myself conforming to societal norms, always saying yes and never daring to say no. I strive to please others, fearing rejection and yearning for acceptance. Being a wife feels overwhelming, and I’m filled with uncertainty and insecurity. My first pregnancy has ended, and now I am a mother. In this moment, my child is everything to me, filling a void that keeps me from spiraling out of control. I suspect I may be experiencing postpartum depression, but I am unaware of what it entails. Finding joy is a challenge these days; life seems more about struggle than enjoyment. Stress has become the norm, but my daughter deserves happiness, even if I neglect my own needs. I fight for her with all my strength. Though I feel lost and directionless, I resist seeking help, disillusioned by the love of those around me. I believe in God, yet I am unsure of who He truly is. My family grows, but I lose touch with friends along the way. With a son on the way, I am gripped by fear. A mother of two? It was not part of our plan, but we are committed to welcoming our second child into the world. Despite our challenges, we persevere, moving from homelessness to finding temporary stability. My husband works tirelessly to provide for us, exploring different job opportunities, including the possibility of joining the military.

2017-2019

Who am I? I’m now a mother of two, feeling the weight of responsibility pressing down on me. I’m earnestly working on deepening my relationship with Christ, though it’s challenging amidst the multitude of tasks I face. Discovering my own trauma has added another layer of complexity to my journey. I’m grappling with the kind of wife I will become, realizing it’s far more challenging than anticipated, and these growing pains cut deep. Amidst it all, I must ensure I don’t lose sight of myself for the sake of our children. Becoming a military wife has brought new challenges, and now we’re expecting our third child. While this wasn’t part of our immediate plans, we’re gearing up to embrace this new chapter. Stationed in California, I find myself alone with our three little ones while my husband is away for two months, leaving me pregnant with our third child. My health begins to decline, my confidence wanes, and the pregnancy takes a toll on me physically and emotionally. I’m plagued by sleepless nights, constant hospital visits, and overwhelming stress, taking a heavy toll on my well-being. The doctor diagnoses me with extreme stress, a concept I struggle to comprehend. Every part of me aches, and I find myself consumed by thoughts of suicide. The pain is indescribable, and nothing seems to alleviate it. Even common pain relievers aggravate the situation. Being a military wife proves to be incredibly challenging, especially as we navigate a new state without the support of family. The insensitive comments likening my situation to that of a single parent only add to my burden.

2019-2021

Who am I? We’ve relocated several times. While my husband is away on duty, the kids and I shuttle between Indiana, Florida, Georgia, and back to our permanent residence in California. I’ve become embittered, filled with anger, resentment, and withdrawal. The challenges of adjustment are wearing me down, and I find myself envious of my husband’s freedom. Weeks and months pass without communication, and when we do connect, it often leads to arguments. When he calls during liberty, enjoying his travels, I struggle internally, torn between wanting to speak to him and not wanting to disturb his time off. We receive monthly newsletters about military housing, one of which advised minimizing problems at home when speaking to our service members to avoid distracting them from their duties. This is difficult for both of us. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but express my frustrations, only to realize it served no purpose since he couldn’t be physically present to address them. Stress and depression silently gnaw at me, draining my energy. In an attempt to escape despair, I turned to marijuana. Initially, it alleviated my pain, but I soon became dependent on it, realizing that the temporary relief it provided did not address the underlying issues. Thankfully, my relationship with the Lord began to flourish. I immersed myself in reading, sought guidance from mentors who served as godparents to me, and found solace in new friends who were trustworthy, honest, and grounded in faith. Since day one, Brother Devin encouraged me to seek the Lord through scripture rather than relying solely on him. I’m grateful for the support I found at Bible Christians Fellowship of the Spirit. The Lord revealed my struggles and helped me grow and heal. It’s remarkable how much influence our minds have on our lives; an uneducated and unhealthy mind leads to an unhealthy lifestyle, affecting our attitudes and contributing to the world’s wickedness. This toll extends to our physical health, as my doctor pointed out, prompting me to explore how stress and depression impact the body. I also sought insight from a friend who worked in psychology, specializing in emotional well-being. I’ve begun to let go of marijuana, realizing that true happiness comes from the Lord’s transformative healing. There’s a wealth of growth to be found in Christ.

2021-2023

Who am I? I’m undergoing a transformation! The struggle of starting out young with limited knowledge of major life choices, such as marriage and parenthood, weighs heavily on me. What I lacked was Christ! His word, the Bible, serves as a guide for humanity, offering insights into past, present, and future. It provides abundant information on life as an individual, as well as life as a mother, wife, husband, brother, and friend. At this moment, I focus on the first three roles. I needed strength and understanding as an individual, and Christ walked me through it, equipping me with the tools needed for success. I became obedient to His teachings, transitioning from a life without God to a life of faith. He encourages us to follow His example because it leads to holiness. Reflecting on my life before my spiritual journey, I now understand the importance of the choices we make. While free will allows us to choose our path, we must pick a side, as our decisions shape our lives. The natural inclination towards wickedness becomes apparent when we realize the distorted nature of our thoughts and behaviors. Embracing God’s definition of goodness ensures resilience. Although the world remains tainted by evil until the Lord’s return, understanding and cultivating a relationship with the Most High provide a foundation and armor against the devil’s schemes and the world’s darkness.

I recognize that self-control was lacking in my life. The fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22-24 (KJV) aid in developing this discipline. I’ve evolved into a better woman, wife, and mother, enhancing my overall character in any situation, whether as a sister, friend, or acquaintance. Through renewed perspective, I see my husband in a new light, shedding the darkness that once consumed me. Motherhood now brings greater joy, as I embrace the potential to become a virtuous woman, as described in Proverbs 31:10-31 (KJV).

2024

Who am I? I am an ambassador of Christ! If you read my previous blog posts, you’ll catch a glimpse of my journey over the years and the immense effort it took to become the person I am today. I’m a woman who yearned deeply to break free from my past self—lost, broken, hopeless, and consumed by anger and illness. I struggled to grasp the notion that I had full control over myself. It required relentless determination, a commitment to peace, and reliance on the strength of God to persevere. The allure of worldly desires poses a constant threat, and every day is a battle to resist succumbing to our fleshly cravings. We are born into corruption, molded by it, and perpetuate it. Satan’s influence leads many astray, but thankfully, the Lord offers us paths of redemption. Rediscovering God meant waging war against years of worldly influence to emerge renewed in Him. Today, I stand as a woman of God—an understanding and dependable wife, strong, courageous, and wiser. The fruits of the Spirit have become my guiding light, and I cling to the comfort and security they offer, striving to align myself with God’s Word in all aspects of my life. My friendship with Jesus is my most cherished possession, and the thought of straying from His path fills me with fear. I refuse to jeopardize the life I’ve found in Him. My mission is far from over; as long as I live, I am committed to serving His kingdom. My salvation is my top priority, ensuring a blessed relationship with Jesus, a peaceful existence with my family, and the courage to stand as a soldier against Satan’s schemes. Children are prime targets for Satan’s deception, but the Lord has equipped me to protect and guide them. My mindset has shifted from one of despair to one of victory; I am now the person I aspired to be. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Be looking forward to more! With love, BB.